- "I can't think of a single situation where I'd need to use something so pointless. That's amazing, father!"
- — Princess Nautilus 
The Extremely Specific and Pretty Much Completely Worthless Capsule Spell Machine, or ESPMCWCSM, is a device which was invented by King Kelp. It takes the shape of a giant capsule machine which dispenses various types of spells, although as the name indicates, the spells it provides are not very helpful. It works basically the same as a bubblegum machine, except no money has to be inserted.
It's taken for granted that the spells provided by the ESPMCWCSM are more or less worthless when taken at face value. However, Cucumber was clever enough to find a way to make his "comically oversized bathtub drain" spell work for him when he used it to drain all the water out of Shipwreck Shelter when facing Splashmaster. Nautilus was also able to make her spell be convenient to the heroes, so maybe the spells aren't as useless as they seem.
- The ability to place a comically oversized bathtub drain on any surface
- The ability to order pizza from anywhere, but only when nobody is in the mood for pizza
- The ability to create incredibly intricate origami sculptures from torn straw wrappers, too small to actually be appreciated by anyone
- The ability to heal wounds inflicted by envelopes
- The ability to transform an animal topiary into any other type of animal topiary
- The ability to summon ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife, but only if it’s raining on your wedding day